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2-285 (Original)

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author,female,Baxter, Annie Maria,28 addressee
Narrative Discourse
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Private Written
Frost, 1984
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1st January 1844
Monday Margaret was the first to wish me a happy New Year! I am determined on not grumbling this year, if I can avoid it - and so I trust myself, that it may be happy!
I have begun it by doing all that I most dislike, on purpose to try and improve my temper - for they tell me, I'm altered for the worse in this respect - Oh! who would not [be] in my case?
3rd Wednesday Baxter and Mr Salwey rode over to Sherwood - and returned to dinner - and Mr Stephen did not leave until after that meal - [135]
I made a strange bet with him - He, and Mr Salwey have taken this station - and we shall leave in about a month - so I shall go by land with Baxter to Port Fairy - Mr Stephen has bet me his own Portrait against Baxter's, that I don't go by land - I have today written what I wish were unsaid - it is always thus - when you do anything in a flurried way - but I shall see that which ensues - There is some fun expected up the River today, as Messrs Hitchcock & Jobling, and Major Innes were having their runs decided - I am so tired that I must say Good-Night to my journal - 7th Sunday On Thursday Baxter had intended going to the settlement - but it commenced raining, and we had a delightful quantity of rain - Accordingly on Friday he started early, and was to go the whole way - Mr McLeod is evidently smitten, I think, with Isabella - he told me so the other day - and I asked him since then how his love affair was progressing? He said 'Oh! so I made you believe it - the idea of my telling you, of all people!' - Now that I'm about to leave this, I love all the various little nooks & corners - I wonder whether I shall ever see them again? or whether I shall ever be thought of by those who visit, or rather did visit Yesabba? - What a hollow sound appears in Friendship! & what persons calling themselves friends we meet with - really in general, if we could only think a little, what is there to attach us to this life? Very, very little indeed - I sat up so late last night, finishing a dress, & reading - it was morning before I fell asleep - I so often dream the same thing - I appear to be in a beautiful house, well furnished - but chiefly composed of bed rooms - in one of these, are four large beds - always occupied by pretty women - I then go some way off the first room, to another which has but one bed - and a beautiful woman in it - opposite to this is a bath room - and the same ugly old woman, shows me first into the bath, and then into a handsomely furnished bed room - which she tells me is mine - I then begin to undress, and she retires - but I all of a sudden seem to wonder where I am, and why? I then throw myself on a couch opposite to my bed; and while there I hear a voice lamenting so much to find me there - at the same time using the most passionate entreaties for me to return home - I look up and see - I then know why I am there - ('A man cannot be too dissipated in some ways, before marriage'!!) The house is one of Vice, and I am one of its votaries! And so finishes my 'dream' - May it always remain one! [136]
Altho' I did once say 'If we ever meet again, it will be miserably' - We were highly entertained by Mrs Freeman's description of her visit to the Scotch Carpenters - She says they gave her such a reception! The next day after she was here, our servants said they wished to leave - the man because there was too much to do & Baxter had attempted to seduce his wife - This was very delightful to me to hear her told the woman that she must have mistaken him - She said 'It is not at all likely Ma'am - the Master offered me cattle, if I would sell my soul to the d-l!'
I have pretended total ignorance on the subject - as I knew it was true, by his being so frightened at the man's speaking out loud about it; and repeatedly telling him not to talk so loudly - At the time this occurred, I was in my bed, hardly expecting to live - It amuses me very much to see Margaret, while I am writing this, trying to peep into it at every opportunity - Whenever I go out of the room, she is into my room in an instant - what she expects to find there, I don't know!
Mr P. Stephen brought me some nice peaches from Wollowbie Hill - I have never been there but once - not so Baxter - his love affair there with the black woman is repeated as a fine joke - Agnes is not yet returned from the Naanbucca where she is staying with Mrs Scott - the latter is very ill off indeed!
It is most insufferably hot this afternoon, really it makes one feel quite ill I did not say to Maria how much I felt their not coming to see me on Christmas Eve, when they passed to the Plains - I thought it was of little consequence - and so made her the present I had intended - Mr McLeod was saying that if Major Innes got the better of Mr Hitchcock in the settling of the run, that he thought he could recover his from Mr Cameron - as it was illegally given to him - That he saw no use of there being a Commissioner, for he had not visited the stations for many months, and he hoped it might soon be done away with! I suppose to him, he is all sweetness!
Ada has had puppies, and I had them all drowned - she is in a sad way about them -
It was laughable to see the tired coolness that appeared the other day here - I saw so plainly what the real state of the case was!
I have a bet of a riding whip, with Margaret about Miss Stephen & Mr Salwey - She says they will be married before next January - I say 'Not' [137] - Baxter is gone to settle all his debts in the settlement - and then we have nothing to do but get ready for a start - I need not have gone until he was at Port Fairy - but I in the first place, wish to see the country between this & Melbourne - in the next, it is too expensive to go by sea, and I should not go at all - and I wish to see the Station before I go home - besides I shall see all my poor horses & dogs taken care of on the road - A bush trip may recruit me too - then again, I care little what becomes of me!
8th Monday We have both been working away today, in spite of the heat - In the evening we rode over to Dandingalon - Messrs Freer and Dent were there but I did not go to the house - There is a sad story afloat about a poor girl named Blair - She is said to be in the family way - and the other Parent is the clerk of the Church - It is a shocking thing - for she was always so well behaved - and the horrible man will not marry her - now that he has gained what he desired - Oh! man! Where is generosity in your composition? People will say 'But he is of the "lower order"' - Man is the same from the highest to the lowest! His are the feelings of a Sensualist - and so that he only obtains that which he wishes for, he cares not what ruin he may have been the cause of - Mr Purves went down the other day to Mr Arkroyd's in a terrible way - and said that the evening before two gentlemen had been prowling about his house after his servant Mary Ann Blair - and that he had determined upon his honor, to say publicly, who the two were, the very next time he heard them - Now altho' 'dissipation may be allowed in single men', still I think that some delicacy too may be used at the same time - I know the two, and I will let them get a hint of the matter - I'm glad I shall not hear any more of these, to me, painful tales - I shall be away from them all soon - Margaret took such a large Centipede off my neck this evening - she was more frightened than I was about it - All is nothing now - to me - 13th Saturday Baxter is gone to the Plains this morning, so I write a little more here - On Thursday we rode up in the afternoon to Major Kemp's, where we found all in such a sad state of dirt - The hut looked disgustingly dirty - the children too - Mrs Kemp came out after some time dressed very smartly - It appears that she has since said that she wondered at persons paying such untimely visits - and that altho' in the bush, they remembered who they were!! Oh! Pride - We have twice ridden over to Sherwood, and not seen its owner - but I will go again - for I'm determined too - Messrs Salwey and Stephen were here yesterday on their way to the Commissioner's about their cattle - The former was 'squiff' - and the latter had shaved off his whiskers, and made himself a perfect fright - I had an answer about the journal - it was a very cavalier one - N'importe! [138]
Marion is to be married in June, I believe - to Mr Mordaunt McLean - She is an excellent soul! but is fretting herself very much about religious matters! She thinks herself not half as good on these points as she should be - I don't like religious discussions, but I love her so well, that I am writing to her on them - as she wishes it - I wish I could love God half what I wish - but worldly passions & feelings will intervene - and then I find I am only 'Mammon'!
I have been copying some pretty waltzes - yet of what avail will they be, for I shall have no piano - Cowen will take this one from Captain Briggs, at £20 - The pearls & brooches are gone up to Sydney to be valued - and then I shall take the latter - I fear very much that I have not the power of entertaining - for Margaret is most decidedly tired of this Elysium retreat - and sighs for more gaiety - I wonder if she could pass her life, as I have? Few women could - The answer about my journal, was so ill judged! not a line - If my friend thinks it right, I suppose it is - but really I can see neither common politeness, or the smallest feeling on his side - Friday Mr McLeod came over last night, and he, Margaret & I started early for the settlement - We reached the Plains in very good time - changed horses, and on again we went - About 12 o'clock, I arrived at Yarloowa - They were as usual, glad to see me - They are a delightful family certainly - Annie is looking very poorly - The poor little soul has been spitting blood for some time - and becomes so terribly alarmed about herself, that they fear remarking whether she is looking ill or not - Captain Jobling had been all day in the settlement, and did not return until evening - 
Saturday Mr McLeod came to the Point for me this morning - and I got into town pretty early - The girls were all on the lookout for me - Marion is looking very well - with such a beautiful colour - Jessie is much thinner, and improved by it - In the evening Miss Hunter, Miss A. Paterson - and some gentlemen came in - amongst others, Mr Massie - It is the first time that I have seen him in public for 9 months - and shall I say it? It would not pain me much if I never did so again! [139] Illness may alter a person - and time many! but I never beheld a person as altered as my friend - He looks very well - & his eyes are as expressive as ever to other people - but nine months have made a change in his cold, cold heart -
At first I thought he did not intend speaking at all to me - for he merely gave me a formal bow - I had been told he was smitten with Miss Paterson - and was astonished to see how far the flirtation had gone - I said to Marion 'If Mr Massie cannot remember me, I shall not remind him by speaking' - Accordingly until he thought fit to come up to me, I remained silent to him - He then said he was sorry I was going to leave - and looked exceedingly so, as he caught Miss Hunter's eye, and laughed!
Mr Salwey was flirting with Margaret - it's too bad - She is so fond of him - I cannot fancy a person falling in love with such a man - He & Mr Massie are both regular 'dog - Vanes'! They change with every breath - both taken by a pretty face - It would not be worth the pleasure of loving - to waste its sweetness on two such men - They are both good companions tho' - and the latter I would never tire of.
It commenced raining this afternoon, and looks extemely like a continuance - so that I shall be unable to return home on Monday - 
Friday The steamer has been off here, for two days, but the surf has been too high, for any boat to go to her - 
Yesterday a boat with two men in her, was very nearly taken over the bar - it was frightful to see the poor creatures hurrying on to destruction - Eternity seemed within their reach - oh! who would have tried to turn aside, unless those terrified at the idea of death - 
We have seen Messrs Massie & Montgomerie every day - The former positively condescends to shake hands with me; and addresses two or three words to me! Mr P. Stephen ('toujours le meme, should be his motto!) has been in several times - Yesterday evening he accompanied us for a drive on the 'Lake' road - It does me good to see his bright face - 
27th Saturday In the evening a walk was proposed; and to my extreme horror, I found myself linked to W. N. Gray Esq - We went as far as Mr Salwey's to see his two young puppies - and the whole way Mr Gray was trying to make himself understood in the English language! I never in my life, heard any person express himself so badly - This day week after all the people had left, and I had retired to my room - I sat musing on 'times gone by' - and altho' I certainly felt glad to have seen my soi-disant friend again, still Nature would feel sorry at the reception I had met with - so different from what I had any right to anticipate - Surely in justice Mr M. should have explained why he was so rude, as not even to speak to me! [140]
All my thinking ended in wishing I had met with a good husband, and then all my heartaches would have been spared in a great measure - I cried myself nearly into hysterics, & was so far insensible as to say to Marion when she came to bed 'Is that you - ?' She asked me if I were awake, and I pretended not to hear her - She then touched me, and said that she could not bear to hear me sob so terribly - We remained awake a long time - she was telling me all her plans for the future - may they all be as bright & lasting as I wish them! Nobody knows of her engagement but Margaret, her Mama, & myself - She advises me strongly not to go to Port Phillip - Only one person could have prevented me, & that one takes no more interest in me now - I knew so well it was mere Passion - but thought at least I had not been mistaken in a true & sincere friend - All my dreams are passed! I. C. said 'I'm to have the other journal, am I not?' No - he has not deigned to ask for it, until then most certainly not - at least, so far, this book will accompany the others - but until I am asked for it, it shall remain sealed - (12 o'clock) All are gone! and I am going too, - to bed - Mrs Richardson, Messrs Massie, Montgomerie, Salwey & P. Stephen were here this evening - I danced the first Quadrille with I. C. and spoke in the Verandah to him, for a minute or two - but he was so eager to go into the drawing room, that I could not say half what I wished - It is the last time I will ever speak to him -
I then danced with Mr P. Stephen - He told me a very bad piece of news - that Mr Baxter had failed - it will involve us sadly, I fear - This, and other things made me feel wretched - I was sitting in the Verandah with Marion, when Mrs Richardson came up; and just behind her Percy Stephen - I was amused very much by Mrs Richardson saying, 'How much attention Mr Massie pays Miss Paterson; only look at them now!' [141] [142] Before I could turn round, Mr Stephen touched my shoulder and said 'Don't mind her! I've made you miserable telling you that news' - I first assured him I was often in low spirits, without hearing bad news - and turned and looked at the pair in the corner - Mrs Richardson was right in this instance - and I was quite astonished, that in about an hour after, Mr Massie left his belle amie, to stand an instant by my side - We neither spoke - and no wonder - Just before he left he shook hands - for the last time, in this country - or any other - and I have found out, that there is but one man I ever met, truly worthy of my love - Thus ends the Comedy, or Tragedy - for it has been both to me - Isabella & Annie are both sleeping in the room with me - the former says she wishes I would put away that odious book (this one) and tell her what I shall do with myself in Port Phillip - I could tell her - but won't - 29th Monday I this morning said Addio to my friends in Port Macquarie, and started for the Plains in Mr Marsh's gig - with his two horses, and the old Grey tied to their heads - so that we had three abreast - We journied on famously - Mr McLeod shaking the vehicle as little as he could - Baxter did not expect me - He is looking very ill - While I've been away, he has been having Dr Madden to quack him - He says he can scarcely walk with rheumatism -
The woman I left here is gone - She came up when I returned and told me some long story about her Master & she having words - so that I'm 'my own femme de chambre again - I only dreamt my 'dream' once in the settlement - it makes me quite miserable dreaming it so often - Ada was so glad to see me - I do love her - all my pets look well, notwithstanding the rain - 30th Tuesday Mrs McLeod wishes me to remain with them, & not go to Port Fairy - but I cannot be dependent on any one - If I could work in any way, all well - but to remain even for a few months, a burthen on any one, I could not - Every place about looks so pretty - every little nook has its charm to me now - But however painful it may be to separate from, & give up for ever, what is lovely and attractive in natural scenery; it is altogether nothing when compared to the breaking up of those living attachments which have become a part of Nature - This is most true - and I shall find that 'Friendship is Love, without his Wings'! [143]
On the 28th after undressing, I gave Margaret my old gown - I'll never wear it again! and to dear Marion, a pretty buff châle - the last time I wore the latter dress it was at a large dance at Mrs Wardell's, in Sydney - A great many Naval Officers were there, amongst the number Mr H. Elliott, of the Conway - He knew Baxter very well, but not me - I was talking with Marion, when Mr Elliott said to Baxter 'I would like to know that pretty woman Waltzing with Miss Marion - who is she?' Baxter waited until we came near them, and then said 'Annie, here is a young friend of mine wishes to be introduced to you - Mr Elliott - my Wife'! Poor boy, he looked aghast - but quickly recovered his usual spirit, and I found myself talking with a very good partner - His cousin another evening, at Government House asked Mrs Hazard whilst talking with Baxter, 'Who that singular looking woman was, with Cain's brand on her forehead?'
I've been trimming my grass borders for the last time - I wonder who will do it after I'm gone?
6th Tuesday Today Messrs McLeod & Duff came up from the settlement - The former brought me an English letter, which has been some time in the Sydney Post Office - I wrote last week to Mr Gordon asking him to send me any letters there might be and I received a very polite note in return & a long letter from my darling William, Harriet and my Uncle They were all at Harriet's, staying some time - She says they only want me there! - Just at this time she writes (June) I was out in this Wilderness, enduring tortures! - But I'm happy to think & know, that they are so - Harriet desires to be kindly remembered to Massie - so I've sent her message - Baxter cut all the names out of the books given me by Richard Dry - however, I've written them in again - I shall get my name written in a book that was given to me - That unfortunate man Knatchbull, is to be hanged for murder, on Tuesday next - It would really appear that he was tired of his existence, to go so deliberately and kill a woman - We have bought Mr Salwey's gig - and when Mr Stephen takes the cattle, we have little to do at dear Yesabba - 7th Wednesday William's 31st Birthday - May our good Almighty preserve him to see many more - How I do idolize him - it is almost sinful! I never did meet with such a man in my life - By the by tho', he says in his letter, that to be wild and a roué, is only natural - He appears to coincide with another person I once knew! - 8th Thursday My wedding day! Many a bitter day have I seen since that event took place - Mr Benjamin dined here yesterday - He and the Major's family don't appear to agree very well in their Politics - but his chief wish appears to be to try and annoy the said family as much as he possibly can - I told him it was anything but Christian-like - and oh! horrors! I never until now thought that he being a Jew, it became strictly personal - I loaded him with peaches & cucumbers for his children - What a capital Aunt I shall make - ruin all my nephews & nieces - and of course get the thanks of Parents, Uncles etc for making them pets! [144]
This evening Mr P. Stephen came - He did look so sleepy and squiff - Naughtey fellow! I'm afraid he gives way a little to dissipation of various sorts - He's young yet - and single - He did not forget my roses tho' - notwithstanding his being elevated - I told him he might go to sleep on the sofa, and I would not take any gloves - He said he would not mind losing them - Mr Montgomerie called a few days ago - I was packing up a trunk for the settlement - & had taken off my dress, and put on my dressing gown - it was so warm - but I soon made my entrée - The Blacks are all here - Barney too - my favorite Black - They are stealing corn in real earnest from Mr McLeod's, and our Pig-station - 9th Sunday Such very unpleasant weather! it rains one minute, and is fine the next - Baxter is going nearly mad about his cattle! He fidgets my life nearly out about them - I have made a bet with Mr Stephen - He is to have Baxter's picture that is here, if we don't get to Port Phillip over land - and I'm to have his, if we do - I would like to have his handsome, saucy face!
He told me that he was sure I. C. did not care for Miss P. - 'Indeed,' said he, 'I think he does not care one atom more for any one person, than another' - This rather entertained me - He very often talks of his favorite - and complains of other persons abusing him for being partial - at all events, I cannot complain of the latter lately - This evening I rode 'Gratis' up to Dungee - accompanied by Mr Stephen - He says he shall often think of these firs: rides over his run, when he is coming home tired at night, after a day's hard work - [145]
The cattle were counted, and given over today to Mr Stephen - I ought to tell Baxter of his brother's Failure, but I cannot - he is so irritable - and really ill - How frequently I pity him! when I think that altho' I do everything a wife, or servant could do for man; still there is a way of doing it - When I ask him how he is, it is not as I would ask anybody I loved - How differently, different persons are affected by any pleasure, or pain - Mrs Jobling, kind, good, and religious as she is; when she receives an English letter, frets herself terribly about it, until indeed, she is quite ill Isabella devours hers almost, and reads it aloud as she goes on - Mrs Kemp - it puts in high glee for several days, and she says, she does not mind all her work! as to myself - oh! how does it affect me? Why I wish for one person to communicate the news - and I don't now grumble, as I did - at being so far from happiness - for I deserve all, all that I endure - Baxter says I take less care of myself than ever - Yes! I do indeed - While I thought I was cared for, I did take some slight care of my health - but when I saw it was not the case; it has altered even my heart - I fancied when in the settlement, that nothing could make me fret for any person in misery - my soul felt hardened - but I found on seeing the two poor men drowning, (as we supposed - ) I had still a tear for a fellow creature in distress!
14th Wednesday Baxter went to the settlement today - The Blacks have been very troublesome for some days - they rob the corn most terribly - I gave the men some caps for their guns, and advised them to shoot quietly! - I shall be taken up for manslaughter - or aiding it - 'Same thing!' as Miss Fattorini says - Thursday Such a wretched day - raining nearly the whole day - I sat working, and not minding the weather - and have finished a pretty pair of cuffs for myself - the first work of the sort, I ever did for myself - The fire and Ada, have kept me up very late - it is long past 12 o'clock - I'm afraid of having my old dream again tonight - for last night, it continued so long - and it makes me miserable - Oh! I must never be so low, as that comes to, surely? - I should never doubt! - 16th Friday Such weather! really tantalizing - one minute the sun shines in all his glory, the next - nothing but rain & gloom to be seen - It is a beautiful idea calling the sun 'He', and the Moon 'She' - the latter merely a reflection of the former! [146] - I've been very industrious today - the Blacks are all come back - Tommy has been telling the men in the kitchen, that the Commissioner is a better man than Mr Gray! - (Whoever doubted it?) and a great deal in his favor - 18th Sunday I should Harriet to have seen me with my companion Tommy yesterday evening - I sat down to the Piano at dusk, (which I always do when by myself,) and was amusing myself when I turned round to the open window, and spied Tommy, in an attitude of great attention - I asked him to walk in, and sit by the fire which he did - He told me that the Commissioner played on the Flute sometimes, not always! That Mr d'Niban was a nice gentleman, tall as Mr Bell at Yarrowal - and that he took horses down from Mr Townsend's to bring the Messrs Massie up, when first they arrived in this Colony - that Mr Massie always stayed at Mr Bodgell's - and he didn't know who made Black fellows songs! Here was news of various kinds - Mrs McLeod was talking to me the other day, and amongst other things she said 'Do you still continue separated from Mr Baxter at Night?' Strange thing, that people cannot fancy my doing so! I only answered 'I slept with Mr Baxter for the last time in this World, next May, will be 4 years' - and now I think that I shall adhere to my resolution - The peach trees are so loaded, that they are breaking down - and the fruit on some of them is very tolerable - 19th Monday I am very far from well - and am rather suffering - Dr Carlyle recommends me to undergo an examination - but this is strangely at variance with my wish, that I would rather prefer going on as I am - I suppose it cannot last very long - altho' he says it may for years - They think to frighten me by saying I shall, or rather have a Cancer - They little know me! I do not fear death - altho' I have been wicked enough to covet it frequently -
22nd February Baxter was in a perfect fury, at my having met with Mr Massie again - & asked me if I had spoken to him? - Of course, I told the truth - I'm not ashamed of having such an acquaintance, altho' it does not appear to be the same in his opinion of me - He was quite as furious as ever - I told him that I would speak to Mr Massie whenever I should meet him - and that William would account to Baxter for my actions - He was perfectly dismayed when I said I hoped to see my brother out, in a short time - He had never dreamed I was in earnest, when I said I had written home - 24th Saturday I had a long note from Isabella - she is in hopes that I have changed my mind about going to Port Phillip - No! I am going - Mr McLeod thought to frighten me, by telling me of three Bushrangers being out, on the road - Meeting them will be a novelty - so that they don't take my horses - and then, I really think I should fight for them - Upwards of 70 Blacks were here today - It appears they had been fighting some others over at Yarroowa - and had been Victorious - It was a remarkably pretty sight to see them coming into the paddock - with their spears, shields etc - and as they entered the gate, they filed off in two ranks - these were the separate tribes - They then ran up together into a circle, and danced & yelled - It was quite an exciting scene to an old Soldier! They then sat down - and after remaining a short time, off they all went to the Plains, to fight again! [147]
27th Tuesday I have been so very hard at work, making new dresses - Messrs P. Stephen & Herring came up this evening and I have passed such a happy evening - as the old gentleman went to bed - I never should have imagined what I was told this evening - strange tho' that it is the first time I ever knew myself to feel sorry at anybody's loving me - Poor boy - and he told me so unconsciously too - After saying that he loved Mr Salwey better than any one he had ever known, he soon after told me that that was after me - That his Mother & sister were quite secondary to me - I was really vexed with myself for having said that had I been single & a few years younger, I should have taken advantage of leap year, and proposed to him - and finished by saying 'but I suppose you would have rejected my suit!' 'Not if you had been old & ugly; I could never have rejected your heart & mind!' He did not mean this as a compliment, altho' to me, from such a boy, it was a great one - 29th Thursday Mr Stephen left soon after breakfast - and I have said 'Good-bye' to him, the first down here - One of the last I would wish to say it to - 4th Monday Poor Mama's birthday - Would to God I could recall her memory with all the true affection that a child should! but I have been so estranged from her - and now that she is gone, altho' I forgive her all, that she ever did to me, still it is not with a wish to have had her with me longer, that I think of her - [148]
Mary Ann Reid tells me that she saw G. Wlately - that he is not one bit altered! Just as handsome, and exactly as much of the roué - so much so, that his Mother & sisters would not live with him!' - Telle est la vie! - Had we been married, he might have been reclaimed, and I happier - as it is, we are both lost - There has been a tremendous affair at Wollowbie Hill! Mr C. Curr was sent away one morning without his breakfast - however, he was nothing daunted, and now that Mr McLean is in N. England, he is visiting again at the house - and people do say, that an elopement is very likely to be the termination! Poor unfortunate girl, what will then become of her; drinking too, as she does - Mr Curr has not sufficient refinement to make up to any woman, for the very great sacrifice and sin they have committed - I have been so busy - and have everything put away - I try so much to prevent myself thinking of leaving this dear old place - I would not mind if I were going home - but to have to undergo all the privations & fatigues of a new Station, I certainly do feel it rather hard on me; especially as I. am in really ill health - Mary Ann says she wishes I were at home, as she then would have a confidante to whom she could tell all her troubles, without any fear of meeting with satire - I can always sympathize with a person, let them be high or low - yet I never tell a woe of my own to a female - it is a strange thing but I don't like Women - This will be nearly the last time I shall write in my journal - and it will be left, to be looked at! - I was saying that I need not keep out my hat, as I supposed I could not' spare much time to ride at Melbourne; and besides my habit was so bad - 'You'll have something else to do besides riding about there!' said my amiable sposo - We shall sees I rather think I shall find time for riding - and that I shall be more trouble to him there than here - for I shall see all 7 my old friends, and I will try and see what he will do, when he finds me befriended - I told him a few days ago, when he was abusing Mr Massie & I, that he had better wait, and tell that all to William - He was perfectly' amazed to think that I had written home - as he never thought I would do so - Well! I've endured misery enough in this Colony, God knows - altho it might have been the same in some respects in any country in the World - It is a most providential thing that we don't know what is to be, or we should always be pining - 5th Tuesday My last day at Yesabba - how very often I shall wish myself back here again in my bark hut - I have finished my packing - and this evening I rode over to Sherwood to say adieu to the folks there - The night is exquisitely bright - and everything in the garden looks so pretty - I suppose I shall never see the place again - Well! let me hope that the change may be for the better - I have passed many happy hours here; and God knows many wretched ones too! [149]
They tell me that I'm mad to leave this to go to Port Fairy! - Perhaps I am - but what, oh, what can I do?